mental health, Uncategorized

Anxiety Part 2

Triggers: anxiety attack, panic, stress, medication, alcohol, marijuana,smoking

After high school things got a bit difficult for me. My anxiety was worse. I was drinking to try to calm myself. I was drinking all the time. I remember staring up at the ceiling with my heart just beating like it was going to pop out of my chest. The worry that would greet me every morning. I would sweat a lot. It did not help that I was addicted to energy drinks and large Starbucks coffees. Little did I know those beverages were just making my anxiety worse.

My anxiety would be triggered by the littlest things. Then came the panic. I believe that I had so much anxiety that it would trigger the panic attacks. They were frequent. Once it got so bad, I remember laying on the bathroom floor hyperventilating and I could feel my hands going numb and almost as if my limbs wanted to do their own thing. I was freaking out in the fetal position trying to get myself to calm down. It was exhausting. I felt like no one understood what was going on with me.

I finally went to go see doctor when I was 19. I was not really smoking marijuana, I thought a break would be good. I am guilty of the underage drinking and it sort of helped. The doctor prescribed me an anti anxiety pill. It was so small I did not believe that it would work. The doctor told me that I had to take them as needed. First panic attack I got I popped one of those tiny white pills and it instantly calmed me down. I was so happy. About two weeks had gone by and I realized I was taking those little white pills a lot. They did not seem to be doing their magic like they were before. So I went back to the doctor, she just upped my dose. No big deal, right? I started taking them, no problem. But then I realized that I NEEDED them. A couple weeks later I was back at the doctor’s office and the doctor upped my dose again. Then I realized I was taking these pills all the time. Even when I did not have anxiety I was taking them. I was drinking and taking them. But my anxiety was almost non existent. Then one day before work I took my pill and started drinking my energy drink. Did I mention that I was also smoking more than a pack a day?? Yea that too.. On the way to work I got these really weird thoughts, definitely not good thoughts and very out of the ordinary thoughts. I had to pull over. I was scared. I realized that I was abusing my medication. That day I stopped taking them.Cold turkey which is not recommended but I did, I was spooked, and I would rather deal with the anxiety than go through that crazy thought situation again.

The anxiety came back and I was pretty lost. When I turned 21 I was still having anxiety, still drinking to try to suppress it. Still smoking. I had been prescribed pain pills and started taking those. Plus I was up to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. At this point my anxiety was not around but I was not being healthy. If I did not have a drink in a social setting my anxiety would kick in. I would rip my nails off when I would feel anxious so I would get acrylic nails, that helped me have nice nails. I managed to suppress my anxiety and not deal with it. I was dealing with depression too. I thought if I just kept drowning my anxiety out with alcohol, marijuana, or cigarettes I would be ok. I was tired all the time. I was so thin. I think being anxious all the time kept me burning calories or something. I never really had much of an appetite. I felt BLAH, my hair was dull, my skin was dull, I was tired, I had trouble sleeping, basically I was a hot mess. My twenties was a juggling act of taking substances to try to numb the anxiety. I was having anxiety at work and at home. It got to a point where I could not take it anymore and needed help.

In part 3 I will talk about how things turned around with my anxiety. Thank you for reading and please like or comment on this blog. I would love to hear your feedback.

You can also follow me on IG @mind_morph

Please note that I am not a medical professional. Even though anxiety meds did not work for me does not mean it is a bad choice or option for dealing with your anxiety. If you are taking medication and you feel like it is not working out or giving you weird side effects please consult a medical professional.

mental health, Uncategorized

Anxiety Part 1

Trigger warning: anxiety, separation anxiety, family, school, marijuana

My anxiety started when I was 6 years old. It was the summer of 1992 right before my 7th birthday. My parents bought a house in Sacramento, CA. We lived in Daly City, CA and my grandparents were my neighbors. How cool is that? I was excited to move because I wanted my own room, my brother and I had to share a room in a 2 bedroom apartment. Once we moved it hit me that my grandparents would not be my neighbors anymore. My grandma wouldn’t be walking with me to school or picking me up.

That’s when the feelings of terror came to play. The fear of starting over at a new school. No more walking to the local bodega after school with my brother and my grandma. No more watching Golden Girls with her and translating for her, laughing and eating snacks.

It got terribly worse when my grandparents came a week after we had moved in . I was excited to show them my room. I was fine. But later in the day they had to drive back to Daly City. That’s when the waterworks started. I can still feel that anxiety now as I write this. I clenched my hands around parts of my grandmother’s skirt. I did not want to let go. I remember burying my face into her side. I remember hearing family members tell me to stop crying and to let go of her and if I did not let go she would not come back to visit me. I remember looking up at her still crying and hyperventilating and her telling me it was going to be ok. She told me not to worry but that I should not cry. I could see she wanted to cry too. So I buried it. I stopped crying. I gave her a big hug and watched them drive off. I was so sad.

I would get anxious and sometimes I would call her. Other times I would wander into my backyard and get lost looking at bugs and flowers. I would really just go into my own world.

But when the anxiety would show up it was the rapid heart beat, that pounding in my chest that let me know that something was wrong. The shallow breaths.. the racing thoughts.

Then one day it became almost non-existent. . I think it was the fact that I was very much into reading and kept myself very busy that I did not have to deal with it that much. I got really good grades and was in clubs. I went to three different elementary schools and still kept it together.

My anxiety went dormant and then one day in junior high it hit me like a ton of bricks before school. I remember feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was laying on my parents bed and called my dad at work. He told me I was ok. I handed the phone to my mom’s friend who gave me a ride to school. She told my dad I looked fine. So I had to go to school.

Honestly, I hated school. I always felt like I had to meet new people. I did not really have long term friendships like everyone else did, because I went to so many schools. I did so good in elementary school but junior high and high school was lame to me. I was teased from not having expensive clothes to not being able to go to school events. It just gave me anxiety trying to fit in. I was bullied. (but I will save that for another blog post). I started smoking pot in high school and honestly it helped. It quieted my brain. High school was just a bunch of anxiety too. I was in an unhealthy relationship that gave me major anxiety, I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. I had parents who had these high expectations. I spent most of high school ditching and surprisingly managed to get ok grades and graduate. I needed guidance and someone who could understand my feelings. Then there was the anxiety on what to do in the next stage of my life..

In part 2 you will read about how intense my anxiety became after high school. With this blog style there will be multiple parts to certain topics so that you the reader can see how the small steps, little changes, and just going through the motions created some big results!

Thank you for stopping by and reading my first blog post about Anxiety.

Follow me on Instagram: @mind_morph

Twitter: @mind_morph

mental health, Uncategorized


Hi, my name is Nicole, (my friends call me Coley). This blog is about my mental health journey. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I will cover many topics and go down the line sharing my experiences.. There will be triggers in my posts and I will make sure to highlight those above the actual blog posts like this :

Trigger Warning: example, anxiety, depression

I hope that by sharing my my experience I can help someone, comfort someone and I hope, motivate someone.

I hope this blog helps you realize that you are not alone in your struggles and I hope to create healthy dialogue where we can discuss mental health.

I also feel that pinpointing the causes of my struggles can help me heal. This blog is to not only help me heal my inner child to my current self but to help you heal as well.

Please note I am not a healthcare professional and I am someone who is sharing what worked and did not work for me. I do hope to open healthy dialogue. I am currently working on a Resources Tab that will show resources in all 50 states.